Something I Can Never Have
by Scifiroots
Summary: First try at LukeHan 'fic... although it's unrequited. Written last summer during ficaday challenge.


Something I Can Never Have

**Author**: Clarity Scifiroots  
**Archive**/ http/community. **The Request/Summary**: indeliblefancy's multi-fandom request for stories about unrequited love  
**Fandom**: Star Wars (shock!) set sometime in the extended timeline of the novels—at least beyond Timothy Zahn's and Kevin J. Anderson's original trilogies.**  
Pairing**: Luke/Han (er, sorta... b/c of the challenge)  
**Usual disclaimers apply**, this is a story written by a fan for other fans (and myself). Merely for entertainment purposes and not to be considered "official" in any way. No profit is made from fic writing, I assure, or else I would have a tidy little fortune and wouldn't have to worry about taking out a loan for college. And fic title inspired by the song of the same title by Nine Inch Nails  
**Notes**: I'm indeed as shocked as many of my friends might be at seeing this. o.0;; I'm an "original" SW fan and have enjoyed many of the novels in the extended fanverse. I mean, I enjoy Han/Leia! Yay and all that. But... a conversation with sori1773 and beautiful artwork by X have made me curious. P

It was complicated, this feeling.

_Complicated and **wrong**_, his mind prompted.

Fine, then—not just complicated, but not necessarily wrong, either. It was just terribly inconvenient and... Okay, so maybe it was wrong—or at least not right.

If the situation was different and certain events hadn't happened, it might be alright—might even have been _good_. Possibly he could have been happier. Oh hell, he couldn't fool himself, as it was now he felt merely content in some ways but also so very alone.

It was true that he had started recruiting those strong with the Force to train and to learn in his school started on the moon of Yavin IV, but that wasn't enough. He thought about that for a few moments and shivered, thinking about the great Jedi he had known and even those on the Dark Side. They all had been alone, or if they hadn't... something had gone wrong, like with his father.

_Are Jedi meant to devote their entire existence to the calling?_ It wasn't that he was frightened by the thought, although he did feel something inside him go cold. _How can it be enough?_ he wondered.

Was the status and power of a Jedi supposed to mean _everything_ to him? It couldn't, not even if it was supposed to. He had his friends, his sister, his niece and nephews and... And this damn complicated feeling.

He sighed aloud and ran a hand over his hair in frustration. He couldn't meditate tonight, couldn't concentrate on obtaining the peace that was necessary to reach into the bindings of the Force. His mind was too full tonight and his heart ached too painfully to be ignored.

_Alone_.

The word and sensation echoed hollowly inside of him; it was maddening.

_You don't have to be_, a part of him reminded. _You know that _she_ is interested._

_I'm not interested in her!_ he argued angrily.

It was true that Mara had always kept a careful eye on him and later started to emit a feeling of longing when he touched her presence in the Force. He kept himself closed, however, and only hoped that his own longings for a man he could not have were not as easily sensed.

He was ashamed to think that perhaps if Mara didn't seem to love him he might have tried to enjoy her company as an attempt to keep the loneliness at bay. But he didn't want to use someone like that even if his partner felt the same way—weary of being alone, exhausted by feelings for someone unattainable.

_And I dare not even share who_, he thought. If he couldn't even be that honest with a partner he couldn't see the situation as being a reasonable option. _Maybe there's someone that I..._ No, he wouldn't dare tell anyone. If there was even the slightest chance that Leia might hear... he wouldn't be able to handle her shock—possibly her disgust, but perhaps worse would be her pity. She would then wonder about his thoughts when he visited her children, his motives for staying in her family's suite on Coruscant. And if somehow Han hadn't heard about it before her, Leia would surely have to tell him.

He tried to shut his mind to such thoughts, too terrible to ponder the "what ifs" of the future; he was unsuccessful. At least he did mostly manage to keep thoughts of "what might have been" at bay. Truth to tell, he wasn't sure that there ever had been a possibility. He thought of Tatooine and the first flight on the _Millennium Falcon_, and, most importantly, what had convinced Han to stay.

Luke winced. No, from the very beginning Han's sights had been on Leia no matter their arguments or sharp jabs at one another or that Han had left the base on Hoth to look for him.

_If you realize all of this, why do you even entertain these feelings?_ the bitter part of his mind demanded. _They are happy; you have a place in their lives; you have the company of other Jedi! You are _far_ from alone._

Yet it wasn't enough.

** Fin **

Oh the angst! Well, this is my first try at _Star Wars_ slash. Amazingly it's not my first try at SW fanfic. :amused: I wrote my first story in first or second grade, although I don't know where they have gone by now! (lol) I do however still have my fourth grade writing journal and that has a SW story as well... Weirdness.


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